Rok

Chapter 4.

Rok. Rok. Rok. You are a rok. You are a rok. A rok. I’m soft. Not you. You are a rok. When I poke my finger down on you like this I can go all the way to the bone. That way we feel the same. There is rok within me. Maybe flesh within you. You are me inside out, drying on the rope. I look at you, you don’t look at me. I wish you had eyes. You would know I am not a rok. You would see what I see. You would see yourself. That would be nice. To watch you watch yourself. Rok watches Rok. Oh, he’s up-

“Hail, Fader, howe arn the hogges to-day?”

I wish he would reply. I miss when he replied. I am beginning to forget his voice. It’s not the same as you; you have never had a voice. Your voice is my voice. But his voice is his, and I miss it. All he does now is feed the pigs and stare at the wall. He doesn’t even muck them anymore. The fork rests bare. I hope he isn’t expecting me to do it. It’s bigger than I am. I don’t want to be a pig farmer like Fader. Look at him, he’s stopped mid-feed, Rok, he’s just standing there staring at the wall. The pigs are eating from the sack. Is that- Oh at last, luck. It’s a-

"Wagnon! Fader, loke a wagnon!"

Matilde told me the Jester may be coming to town today. That’s just what we need. The Jester. The Jester makes everything better. The Jester is so funny, Dad will have to laugh. Even if he never speaks again, the sound of his laugh will fill me with fire. I don’t think he’s seen the wagon. It’s the only thing moving around here, the only thing on the road. I hate the road. Even though I’m not allowed to step foot on it again, I wouldn’t want to if I could. Horrid horrid road.

I’m going to follow the wagon. Walk in the ditch next to the road. I need to tell the Jester that he must come and make my Fader laugh. He could probably make even you laugh, Rok. I want to be a Jester.

He didn’t look up.

"Ich shal be comyn anon, Fader."

The village is packed today. Too many people, I’d say. And not enough roks! This must be everyone in the town. All in the market waiting for-

“Oi, loke, a wagnon!” “A wagnon!” “Wagnon!”

It’s stopped over there. It’s waiting at the gates to the Big House. I’m sure the Jester is making the guards laugh right now. No one ever goes into the Big House unless it’s a special day. Maybe the Big Man is having a big party. This market is ridiculous. I can barely move. You being in my pocket doesn’t help. A pocket full of rok really slows a child down. The gates- the gates are opening. I need to get inside.

"Wachte!"

No one can hear me. They can’t see me. It’s so important that I get behind those gates. I need to. I’m going to. I think I will. I’m going to throw you. You will have to trust me. You are not the only rok I have thrown. Broder and I used to throw stones every day. Another voice I miss.

Hold on tight.

‘ROK!’

And oh how you flew. Hollow save for spirit. Of a dreamer. A flyer. I could see your wings and yearned to be alongside you. For a moment, I almost felt that I was. Ageless, adrift, like pollen in the wind. A breeze behind my ear. My blood bewitched with the clouds. With you up there, I could do anything. We could do anything. We flew.

Rok you have landed perfectly in the skull of the guard. Well done. With a thunk like bark he’s fallen into the mud. The crowd submerging me have started yelling-

“Devel!” “Deamon!” “Gode!” “Frensch!”

So many names for Rok. In the shuffling and bubbling I can sneak through knees and shadows towards the gate. I don’t think anyone has seen me at all. Too busy staring at the guard or the wagon. Rok, don’t move, I see you. I wasn’t going to leave you in the mud like that. Back in my pocket you go. You really are very useful.

There are wagon tracks deep in the mud curving towards the Big House. It’s a strangely long road to the house. No need for the guards to be so far back. Or maybe this is just one big step for the Big Man. The trees are hiding the Big House from view, but I know it’s there. It must be. Far nicer trees than I usually

see on the farm. Bigger. You’ve never seen the Big House, have you? Well, I have never seen the Big Man - save for his head poking through the top of his closed wagon - but I can only assume he is remarkably large. It’s a new experience for the both of us.

I can see the wagon stopped just up ahead. Let’s duck into this bush. No one would think to look for a person in a bush; that’s why they’re there. We can see the house now. It is very big. I cannot see the roof of it. The stone goes up remarkably high. That is as high as anything can go before touching the sky. The Big Man must wake up every morning with clouds in his big bedroom.

A flash of a bright red boot.

“Welcom, Jester! Þou art late! He abideth in the grete chambre." “Ther was a throng”
"Telle it to Gode.”

It’s him! They’re opening the door, Let’s make a break for it.

I’m still chomping on my heart and I saw the Jester’s bright red boot almost ten minutes ago. The Big Man must be gigantic. I could fit twenty of myself in the coat room alone. I know this because I am currently under a coat in the coat room. I managed to scurry inside while the Wagon Driver argued with a Doorman. I have never had an argument. Broder and I used to fight, but never argue. They’re different things.

The Jester has begun his show. I can hear the music in the floorboards. The laughter is vibrating the wood. I have my ear pressed against it hoping to take it in. Maybe it will vibrate within me? Then I can give it to Fader. Push my vibrating finger really hard into his forehead; like I do with you! Let my shaking bone restart his head.

I can’t make it into the main room. I would be seen and then who knows what! Fader has told me to stay away from the Big Man. But here in the coat room is more than enough. It’s my own private show. The darkness explodes my hearing. I explode with it. Just me and you, Rok. We explode. We are in the night sky and the stars are laughing.

These coats are big enough to roof our house. I could stay here forever. The floorboards are vibrating in a new way. Footsteps. He’s finished! He’s-

"I am stille thynkynge of it, gestoure. Hou my waggon sloo that boi. I yit se his face.” "I have don al I can."
"And it is nat inow."

More footsteps. Faster. Then a stop. A door creak... He’s in here with us.

I hope I am not under his coat. Maybe I should throw you again? He’s not doing anything. His boots seem less red in the dark. The heels are all worn down. And they’re covered in mud. Where has he been? If you have bright red boots you should make sure they stay bright red otherwise what is the point?

“"What are ye doing? What are ye doing? Draw thee togidder. Make him laugh? Make him laugh! He hath slayn a child. And I am to make him laugh? What doest thou, Bryan?"

His exhale may as well have blown the walls down.

This Jester would get on well with Fader. All he is doing is staring at the wall. They could stare at walls together. What is it everyone sees in the walls? Maybe it is only visible to those older and bigger. The wall reveals itself with time. All I see is a wall. Boring!

“A!”

My heart returns to be chewed. This time it’s your fault! What are you doing in the middle of the room? You’ve blown it. He’s screaming and cursing grabbing his foot - maybe if he kept his boots in better condition they wouldn’t-

Doorcreak -

‘What art þou doing here? Go out!”

They’re yelling at each other. This guard has a nasty wound on his - oh it’s him! I wonder if he will recognise you on the floor. The Jester is leaving. I don’t want to follow him anymore. I can still hear him yelling even after they closed the door. He’s really not very funny in real life.

I’m glad they didn’t see me. I’m still under the massive coats. And they didn’t take you. Why would they? You’re just a rok to them. If they weren’t so busy staring at walls maybe they would realise who you were.

I should leave. Fader will wonder where I have got to. I’m sure he will have noticed my absence by now. Hopefully. The sun is almost gone. The last tendrils of light are flicking under the door. I hope it doesn’t squeak when I -

Squeaaaaak.

Rats. Time for fleet. My feet seem even louder than usual on the Big Man’s big wooden floor. It’s like I’m climbing a tree. I hope you’re ok in my pocket with me running like this. I can feel you banging against my thigh. These situations call for hast. It’s lucky I’m so fast, even with a rok. Few people are as fast as me in the village. In fact, without Broder, I must be the fastest. I can feel a breeze ahead of me - the Jester and Guard must have left out the back and not shut the door: letting all the demons in I see! We’re almost there. Demons in, Roks out.

Hmm. It’s warmer. All of a sudden it’s warmer under foot. It’s the floor - the floor is warm. It’s not my feet, I know that for certain. My feet are cold. There is a tiny door to my right. Closed. Really very tiny: even I would have to duck to get in. You’d be fine. The doorknob is- A! It’s hot!

Hmmm.

If I use my shirt I can twist it open then gently peak my head in. No one seems to be around just yet. Maybe it’s the Big Man! See, with the shirt it is fine. It’s not even locked. I’m only opening it a crack. Just enough to peak my head in. Then I won’t be seen. I have a very small head. I’m just going to peakkkkkkk-

A! It’s fire. It’s all fire. It is the back of the fireplace. Why would you put a door here! It is huge! The size of at least seven pigs. I feel like my face is going to slip off. But. But. If I squint I can see through the flames. Flicker my eyes with the flickering tendrils of- Oh. Come and have a look at this. You’ll be fine. You can’t get burned. Have a look. Through the fire it’s - it’s- a tiny man.

All I can see is his back. It is dripping in sweat. His shirt is stuck to it, so much that you can see through it. I can see the hairs growing from his spine, his shoulders, large patches of his skin are red and angry, the shoulder blades look like they’re bubbling. I wonder why he bothers wearing a shirt at all. The rest of him appears clean. Strangely clean. Combed shiny hair, polished boots stand empty next to him, I’m sure I’d be able to see my reflection in his teeth if he was facing this way but- but that’s just it. The shirt has been so distracting I have not even noticed the strangest thing about him. He’s not facing the fire.

He’s staring at a wall.

What is it with these walls! There’s a lovely massive fire right here to gaze into and he’s staring at a wall letting his back burn. I could go in, if I wanted to and he wouldn’t notice me. Through the flames, sneak up behind him. Raise you above my head- No. No. Why did I think that? I don’t want to do that. Neither would you, if you had a choice. Maybe if I just got a little closer to him...

That step felt funny. Like I was stuck to the ground. There’s blood. Blood on my foot. How did that- it’s all down my leg! Ow. OW. Why do things hurt only when you see them? Rok - you have cut into my thigh. Was it because I was going to use you to kill the small clean man? I wouldn’t have done it. I know Fader wishes it but I would not have. It was just a thought. Now I’m - OW. There will be blood all over the floor. Maybe they will figure out it is my blood. I have very specific blood: bright red. Sparkling. Like the Jester’s boots! Broder told me everyone else’s was blue. I have never seen blue blood but Broder never lied. The door to the outdoors is still open, I’ve spent too long in this house. I’m sorry Rok. I hope I don’t have to throw you at another guard. You’re staying in my hand for now- The Tiny Man just moaned like an animal.

“Wal... i praye”.

He sounds like his throat is filled with dust. We should leave the Tiny Man.

Dad did not notice that we were gone. He’s still sitting and staring at the wall. The house is colder than the outdoors, I'm sorry about that. But you look comfortable in my lap. And it’s nice to sit outside on nights like this. I can see deep into the night. The longer I stare the more stars appear. The pigs are not being too loud. The road is quiet as well. I didn’t see a single wagon on my way back walking in the ditch. I did find some sheep bones. I’ve never seen the end of the road. It disappears into the trees. I think it must go to the end of it all. The end of the world. Where Broder went. I hate the road.

I don’t want to be a jester anymore. They are not that funny. They are the same as everyone else. I have been thinking. I should build walls. Longer and higher than anyone else's. Maybe then Fader will look at me. He will have to. I will have the best wall around. Everyone will want to look at it. But mainly I hope Fader does.

You can be the first rok in my wall. I will surround you with other roks, but you will be the most important. You will hold all of them up. I’m going to start it right here, between the pigs and the horrid road. I’ll be back tomorrow with more roks. But for now, stay right there. I hope you don’t get cold.

“I'll miss you, Rok”.